Episode two, and even though Emily Maynard has moved on from her Bachelor roots and is now living in suburban Charlotte with her 4 kids, 3 dogs and husband, ABC is not quite ready to let Arie move on from the last time he was in love on National Television. So Arie tosses on one of Emily’s leftover leather jackets and her Ray Ban aviators and hops on a motorcycle en route to the Bachelor mansion.
Chelsea is confident the first date is hers. After all, Arie thinks she’s mysterious. You know what’s not mysterious? Chelsea’s feelings about Becca riding off into the sunset with Arie. But Krystal is relieved. Her dad was once in a terrible motorcycle accident and she’s seen a lot of people die or lose body parts in motorcycle accidents.
Usually they make us wait until, like, episode 4 for the Cinderella date, but clearly ABC is hedging its bets this season, throwing all the money into episode two, just in case we all quit watching halfway through like we did with Rachel’s season. This date, Arie quips, is all about Becca, as he brings in celebrity stylist Rachel Zoe for a ten minute infomercial about her new collection which is currently on sale at Nordstrom, Macys, and Revolve.
Since Becca can fit into all the sample sizes, and most of society cannot, Arie lets her keep all the clothes and then gifts her a new pair of studded Louboutins and enough Neil Lane diamonds to require their own bodyguard. It makes me sad for Ashley Hebert, who just got a Haute Hippie dress and a ride on a ferris wheel.
Before their date comes to a close, Arie gives Becca a rose and promises one more surprise. What could it possibly be? A private concert? Fireworks? Her own personal island?
Are you fucking kidding me? Did you just run out of money, ABC? Did you not allot for the entire date? Were you expecting that Becca would only get one outfit, and Arie went off script giving her the entire collection and you couldn’t afford a band that nobody has heard of and whose music nobody will download?
To everyone’s dismay, but mostly mine, Krystal gets the second one-on-one date. This means we are going to have to listen to Krystal’s best Anne Hathaway accepting her Oscar affectation for the next 30 minutes. If there is a Bachelor God their date will be either a library or a silent movie. [Spoiler alert: There is no God.]
Nope, Arie is taking Krystal home to Scottsdale, Arizona, that capital of frozen yogurt and strip malls. They bypass Grimaldi’s to visit the Pizza Hut that Arie once worked, and the tree under which Arie had his first kiss (which kind of looked like it was a road divider. No judgement.) Arie shows Krystal a photo album and a home video, and Krystal still misses the opportunity to ask to see the Emily Diaries.
Then, because they haven’t already veered into inappropriate first date territory, Arie brings Krystal home to meet his parents. We are reminded that Arie’s parents have been happily married for 36 years, and they don’t seem completely thrilled with their eldest trying to find love on television again. Mostly because his track record for winning anything is kind of spotty.
After meeting Arie’s family, Krystal is nervous that her untraditional upbringing might be a turnoff for him. Her father was out of the picture; her mother was emotionally unavailable and she once had to save up all her birthday and Christmas money to buy a comforter. It’s all very sad, but, Kristina once had to eat lipstick to stay alive, so priorities. Arie reassures her that he doesn’t judge her by her upbringing (just the size of her ass) and she gets a rose.
This will prove to be problematic for us all.
The last date card reads:
Lauren, Lauren, Lauren, Lauren, Lauren, Lauren, Lauren, Lauren, Lauren, Lauren, Lauren, Lauren, Lauren, Lauren, Lauren, let’s hit love head on.
Fifteen Laurens are picked up in what could be either a party bus or the shady van that kidnapped the Barden Bellas in Pitch Perfect 3. The dress code for this date is belly button chic, and if you combined all the women’s shirts, you could make one sweatshirt that would fit a seventh grader. Then the women learn that this date is a demolition derby where they are allowed, nay, encouraged to assault one another with actual motorized vehicles. What could possibly go wrong.
Annaliese, an early fave, starts to cry. I’m relieved. This isn’t safe. Putting 15 women who are all vying for the same man’s affections in not-street legal vehicles and encouraging them to ram into one another doesn’t seem safe. Hell, I say a prayer before I pull into my son’s school parking lot and I have airbags! But to my disappointment, Annaliese isn’t concerned for her safety; she has an irrational fear of bumper cars stemming from her childhood. (Take that, daddy issues!)
Honestly, I wanted to impress you all with the actual name for fear of bumper cars, but there doesn’t seem to be one. (Amaxophobia is the closest I could find; that’s the fear of riding in a car.) But I did stumble upon this post from 2009, so if things don’t work out for Annaliese and Arie, I highly suggest she hit this guy up.
Arie explains that whoever wins the derby can hold her head high and I’m wondering if “Her Head High” is a kind of Louboutin, because otherwise I’m out of there.
You know, I was going to talk more about Annaliese and her magical recovery from BumperCarAPhobia (not the technical name) but we learn shortly into the cocktail party that Brittany isn’t there because she was injured, and this is some grade A bullshit. Are you telling me we got 20 minutes of Annaliese crying and Brittany walked out of a demolition derby with a concussion and they didn’t even go to a commercial break with an ambulance tease?
Oh The Bachelor, I hardly recognize you.
Chelsea is too fixated on Arie thinking she’s mysterious to worry about Brittany or anyone else. She pulls him aside to explain that she’s mysterious because she’s a mother. What? Being a mother makes you not mysterious. Let me tell you, before I was a mother I was private and modest, but now that I’ve pushed two humans out of the rabbit hole, I’ll literally strip down to my underwear in the middle of Target and talk about my period with the pizza delivery guy. Seriously, giving birth makes you the least mysterious person alive. When she returns, one of the women calls her on the carpet for thinking that being a mom was a bigger sacrifice than what others “have gave up.”
In her case, grammar classes.
Seinne is a Yale graduate who studied in Brazil and Italy and accidentally walked onto the set of the Bachelor and decided to stay for the free food. I hope. The date ends with Arie and Bekah making out while the editors use the turtle function from Snapchat.
Cue harps, we have a traditional, end-of-the-episode rose ceremony. Arie starts it off with a toast and some time with concussion Brittany who received the hardcore award, which is ironic after watching his kiss with Bekah the night before. Bekah explains that she’s simple, no drama and easy to please which is what people who are not simple, no-drama or easy-to-please usually say.
After begrudgingly deferring to Arie’s fourteen other girlfriends, nothing is going to stand between Bibiana and her man. This Bad news for the online fitness coach with a rose who already used up her allotted two minutes with the Bachelor.
“Do you mind if I step in,” Krystal purrs.
“Actually I do,” Bibiana responds.
Bibiana is reclaiming her time.
What follows is an epic takedown by Bibiana, who calls out Krystal for her “fake tone,” before warning her, ominously, that no one in the house will respect her one-on-one time in the future. She finishes by informing Krystal that she’s not the only angry one in the house; she’s just the mouthpiece.
And then she drops the mic.
I smell a two-on-one date in the making.
At the rose ceremony, Arie sends home the one Lauren I recognize, as well as a tearful Lauren whose name turns out to be Jenny who cares more about her friends than she does about Arie.
Me too, girl.
Next week, the girls wrestle with each other, rather than Arie’s tongue.
Click on any of the looks for shopping details. I’ll update more tomorrow. #somanylaurens