I know I didn’t cover last week’s episodes of Bachelor in Paradise, but I have a very good reason:
I didn’t feel like it.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned by watching Paradise, it’s that if you’re not feeling something, the best thing to do is have a drink and roll yourself off the side of a lounge chair, and so that’s what I did. I call it Deaning. Also, there are plenty of excellent recaps of last week’s Bachelor in Paradise sit down, far better than I could possibly do. But there is one thing that I took away from the episode (besides being totally bored to tears by Carly and Evan) and that’s that these contestants truly believe that they are responsible for what they drink and how they act – and with that confirmation, I now feel completely validated in reacting to those behaviors with humor and ridicule.
So stop complaining on Twitter that you guys are real people because you put yourselves in this position.
The episode begins with a rose ceremony. Just kidding, rose ceremonies are for chumps. Instead, the ladies are feeling sad. Despite having the roses, the guys are more interested in chugging beer and having a circle jerk. I’m having flashbacks of high school, when none of the guys in our grade wanted to date us. Spoiler alert: according to Facebook, they’re all bald now. #Karma
The only voice of reason in this whole, crazy, booze-fueled second rate resort is Wells, the bartender, who seems to be gunning awfully hard for a promotion to Bachelor. “You have to play this world like you give zero fucks,” he tells a teary Kristina who once ate lipstick for survival. I don’t know what her contract stipulates, but this, right here, isn’t Kristina living in color.
Unless you count Derek and Taylor (and I don’t) there are no romantic connections being made in Paradise. Can’t somebody save these weepy, half-dressed women from the nightmare that is an Iggy and Alex sandwich?
The best they can do is Adam, the guy from Rachel’s season who you might remember as “who?” Adam joins the boys in the “no girls allowed” hot tub, where he learns that Taylor is not available (shrug) and Raven is the most hotly contested, according to Alex who can barely string enough words together to create a coherent sentence. Raven gets the date.
It’s finally time for the rose ceremony, but in Paradise, even that comes with drama. Raven doesn’t know who she’s giving her rose to. Will it be Benzy or Adam? Dean, essentially, breaks up with Kristina. And Lacey manages to resist laughing as Iggy bumbles through a Jewish blessing over her vodka soda. Pro tip: no Jewish girl has ever been wooed by your Hebrew School education. The highlight of the night is when Amanda rebuffs #SweatyRobby’s advances, after they discuss Josh Murray as HeWhoShallNotBeNamed.
The Rose Ceremony may have been the end of Vinny, Iggy, Nick and Alex’s time in Paradise, but we’re not so lucky. The next morning, everyone, but especially Benzy and Kristina, have high hopes for a fresh start. D-Lo (no relation to J-Lo) arrives and Benzy explains that Danielle knows “exactly what she’s doing in that dress.” This may be the case, but she definitely does not know what she’s doing with double stick tape, because it’s in the wrong spot, creating a weird gape-y part which will distract me for the remainder of this segment.
D-Lo gives Dean her date card, because Benzy talks about nothing but his dog. Kristina is visibly pissed. Sure, Dean basically broke up with her the night before and has encouraged her to date, literally, anyone who comes her way, but she gave him her rose at the ceremony, and now she isn’t sure she’ll be there for him emotionally when he returns.
Narrator: Kristina will be there emotionally when he returns.
You see, Kristina has it bad, and we’ve all been Kristina. Here’s what I know. Dean will continue to break her heart, and she’ll keep thinking that he can change, because he has potential. But let me tell you something. He won’t. And he doesn’t. He’s a pretty face with a middle school maturity. And let me say this again for the people in the back: with Dean, Kristina doesn’t live her life in color.
One more thing. I’m getting increasingly annoyed with everyone in Paradise discussing Dean and Kristina’s relationship like they’re a love for all ages. You know how you have that friend and she’s totally enamored with a guy and all her friends are like, “he totally likes you,” or “he’s just acting like that because he’s afraid of getting hurt.” Well, that’s what everyone in Paradise is doing, and it’s not true and it’s no good for Kristina, whose emotions are being tested like the entire cast’s pee before arriving in Paradise.
The episode ends with Dean straddling Kristina. They’re finally over their hump, she grins, as Dean extricates himself to present D-Lo with a birthday cake – and it’s not even her birthday. And to add insult to injury, it’s not even a real cake. It’s just watermelon with whipped cream on it.
Kristina, if you are reading this, do yourself a favor and don’t settle until you find someone who appreciates you as much as he appreciates yellow cake and buttercream.