As you guys know, I’m a bit of a Bachelor savant. For the most part, I can whip out interesting factoids and Bachelor history faster than you can say “where the fuck has Chris Harrison been for the last three weeks.” But this week was a new one for me. For the first time in six-gazillion seasons, the Bachelorette is down to the final six contestants, and I don’t know two of their names. At this point, I am sure that ABC is just randomly trolling the baggage claim when they arrive at each destination and throw in two random guys to see if anyone is noticing.
I’m noticing, Fleiss. I. Am. Noticing.
During their time in Geneva, Switzerland, we learn that there will be three one-on-one dates with the guys whose names
I Rachel knows, and then a group date for whichever guy has the most compelling family and/or name that we know.
The first date goes to Bryan, a man who is equally known for giving Rachel regular teeth cleanings with his tongue and for appearing on the short-lived UPN reality show, The Player. There is no question that Bryan is here for love. Especially when Rachel hands him the keys to a Bentley and a new $4000 Breitling watch. Clearly ABC had a bigger budget than UPN. Watching Rachel and Bryan dating is akin to watching a horror movie. It’s so obvious how this is going to end, and yet, no matter how many times I scream “Rachel, run” she just makes doe eyes at Bryan and lets him give her a dental exam.
The evening takes an awkward turn, when Bryan learns that Rachel went to private school, and asks her to describe herself in a uniform – even though she was literally (and legally) a child at the time. He later confesses that his last girlfriend gave him the Heisman after meeting his mother. No red flags there, Rachel.
As we already know, Rachel’s faith is important to her (remember when she took Nick to church?) And what better way to bond with Dean than to recreate this date at a Catholic, French speaking church in Old Town, Geneva? Rachel tells us that although she and Dean are neither Catholic, nor a Francophone, it’s about the community. So, basically, they could have just as easily hit up a local AA meeting, but I guess they frown upon cameras because of the whole anonymous part.
With church behind them, Rachel feels the need to have a come to Jesus with Dean. Sure, he’s cute and silly, but she’s starting to wonder if he lied about his age on his Bachelorette application after he asks her if she still believes in the Tooth Fairy. (And he seems rather hopeful, to be honest.) When pressed, Dean admits that the hometowns are weighing him down. His family is eccentric, and he worries if that will inhibit Rachel from envisioning a family with him. Rachel insists that it won’t, but Rachel hasn’t seen previews from next week’s hometown visits and I have, so we’ll see about that.
Look, I haven’t made it a secret that Peter Kraus is my favorite Bachelor/ette contestant of all time. I am so unapologetically obsessed with everything about him that I may or may not be planning a road trip to Madison to work out at his gym. (I am) But this isn’t about me. This is about Peter and his super thirsty attempt at pulling at our heartstrings with some cockamamie story about how he and his ex broke up. He confesses that when he saw her for the last time, he watched he crying in the driveway, tears streaming down her face, as he watched her disappear in the rearview mirror. The guilt has haunted Peter for a long time.
I know what you’re thinking. She died, right? I thought so, too. But, nope. She’s fine and posting bikini selfies on Instagram, like most 20-year-old fitness models who are hot enough to score a sweet piece like Peter Kraus in the first place. Peter’s breakup story is a huge nothing burger. (Probably with no bun, because have you seen his abs?)
Also, as an aside: Who is pouring these glasses and can they come work at our local bar? Nice pour!
Three roses down and three guys to go. The group date invites Eric and the two guys from the Geneva Airport, out for a little sightseeing in France. Rachel knows that all of today’s decisions will be difficult, including getting dressed, I guess, because she pairs a wool coat and ski hat with a crop top. This is the outfit of a woman who is being pulled in too many directions. #SaveRachel.
Rachel spends some one on one time with one of the guys whose name I don’t know, and she tearfully tells him that he reminds her the most of herself. It’s at this moment that I realize, he’s her scarecrow and ABC has robbed us of their entire friendship, in order to show us three episodes worth of Jimmy Neutron gaslighting the other contestants. My heart goes out to this guy, whose name is Matt, and I assume we’ll see him in Paradise, otherwise why is her still here during week 7?
The two remaining fellows are Eric and Adam, who I realize is not someone Elan Gale picked up in the baggage claim, but is the guy with the French speaking puppet from the first night. Why was he not invited to translate Dean and Rachel’s French church date? He paints the picture of an ideal family, one he’s anxious to introduce to Rachel, but there’s no way Rachel is ending up with someone who plays with puppets, if for no other reason than I listen to too many episodes of Sword and Scale.
By contrast, Eric paints a picture that makes him both endearing and relatable. His life in Baltimore has not been a fairy tale, and Rachel would be the first woman he’s brought home. What is most compelling, in my opinion, is the man that Eric has evolved into over the past seven episodes, he is nearly unrecognizable from the man who shouted “my name was in your mouth.” His conversation with Rachel about his life, and the challenges of growing up in Baltimore, is one of the most compelling that I can recall in Bachelor history.
Rachel obviously thinks so, too. She gives Eric the rose and next week she’s going to Baltimore, as well as Madison, Aspen and Miami.