The real story this week on the Bachelorette is not that DeMario was sent home, but that ABC is clearly throwing random men into each rose ceremony and waiting to see if anyone notices. Oh, I noticed, ABC. Suddenly, there’s an Anthony? And a Matt. And a Brady. I swear, you guys, I have never seen any of these men before in my life, and I can’t tell the difference between the ones that remain. I wish ABC had a policy of making these men wear “Hello…my name is” name tags until the final six.
Before the final cuts, Blake and Lucas held their very own Bachelor in Paradise audition, complete with a “ripped from the headlines” re-enactment of why Regina George couldn’t invite Janis Ian to her pool party.
During his one-on-one, Lucas suggests that Blake has a crush on him and has a habit of eating bananas over Lucas’s bed while he sleeps. But then Blake is like, uh, that’s ridiculous, because I don’t eat carbs. Not only does that not help the situation, but, my God, what woman wants to date a man whose breath always smells like bacon and pork rinds?
Rachel sends both Lucas and Blake home.
Not all heroes wear capes.
The first group date is on the set of Ellen. At this point, the entire show is just one running promotion for ABC’s other shows. Ellen shares her first impressions of the guys, and then they all take off their shirts and Will (I think?) gives Tiffany Trump a lap dance while she shoves singles in his pants.
Those are your tax dollars hard at work, America.
Fred, who was once Rachel’s camper, and is now one of her suitors, confesses that he’s all about timing and then asks her for a kiss, which I’m pretty sure is how the Mary Kay LeTourneau story started. Our Bachelorette is destined for great things, but a Lifetime Movie isn’t one of them. After an uninspired kiss
behind the cabin during their one-on-one, Rachel isn’t feeling the sparks and sends Fred home.
At least this time he doesn’t have the bug bites.
Back at the mansion, Eric is quickly emerging as the contestant who is bitter because he doesn’t get enough time with the lead. I drift off, and when I awaken, Rachel is on a date with Anthony. Oh my God, you guys, there’s an Anthony? I have never seen this man in my life. He’s definitely wearing a shirt from the Nick Viall collection and meeting with Rachel on Rodeo Drive. If there is a God (and she watches the Bachelorette) this date will consist of Rachel telling him that his shirt was a big mistake. Big. Huge. (Get it? Like Pretty Woman. Because they’re on Rodeo Drive and also his shirt is terrible.)
The date is billed as “things you can only do in Los Angeles.” And then they proceed to do a bunch of things that you can, literally, do in any main city, like buy boots, cupcakes and shit on the floor in a schlocky tourist shop. (Okay, technically for Rachel it was the horse, and for me it was my 18-month-old.)
In case you forgot, Bachelor in Paradise airs this summer, and what better way to reinforce ABC’s dirtiest (and, in my humble opinion, best) show than by bringing on four future contestants disguised as Rachel’s squad for a stripper pole bus ride to a mystery date? Enter Jasmine, Alexis, Corinne and Raven, who doesn’t know the difference between a shirt and a bathing suit.
The gang pulls up to some kind of saloon, prompting all kinds of Coyote Ugly fantasies on behalf of my husband. But, alas, it’s a mud pit that appears to have been gathered from the horse droppings on Rodeo Drive. The guys are told they’ll be mud wrestling for Rachel’s affections, because if there’s one thing I’ve learned from fourteen years of marriage it’s that to make a relationship work, you have to get through a lot of shit. (Also, I see you ABC sneaking Ashley Parker Angel on this date.)
The boys make it through mud wrestling without incident, but when it’s time for a campfire and s’mores, Eric is. not. okay. Eric confronts Lee, who apparently told Raven that he was not here for the right reasons. Lee explains that he only said it because Eric has the least experience of anyone on the show, which is the equivalent of posting a “you’re a virgin who can’t drive” gif. (which is what I’m compelled to do. Oh fuck it.)
Anyhoo, the episode ends with what you think will probably be a rose ceremony, because that’s what we’ve been conditioned to expect. But, instead it’s Iggy confronting Eric and Eric losing his shit. If there’s a God (and she watches the Bachelor) I hope Rachel doesn’t end up with a douchebag. (Read: anyone on this show but Alex or Peter.)
Here’s what Rachel wore this week. Click on the images for more details. Pretty much all her jewelry is by The Woods. She also wore some gorgeous dresses for the evening parts of her dates, but I couldn’t get a great picture, and I doubt any of you noticed. If you did, just leave it in the comments and I will rectify my previous statements.
Also, if anyone has Peter’s number, please leave it in the comments.
For research, I mean.