Confession time: After first watching this week’s Bachelor, I considered skipping this recap altogether. Frankly the only thing more embarrassing than Raven’s confession was Nick’s turtleneck. But, I feel a responsibility to you (and Andi’s outfit) and so here we are. I’ll admit, this one is going to be half-assed, but then again, so is Nick’s entire season.
This episode picks up with Andi Dorfman, one of two women who publicly humiliated Nick on television by rejecting his proposal, knocking on his hotel door. The two hug awkwardly, as though they each have a bomb strapped to their genitalia, and immediately hit the whiskey. There’s clearly no love lost between the two, and through gritted teeth, Andi gives Nick permission to bang whomever he wants in the fantasy suite, despite slut shaming her at After the Final Rose.
Nick and Andi find some closure, while his current girlfriends are feeling just how precarious their situations are. A teary Vanessa worries that her hometown might have pushed Nick away. Raven regrets not telling Nick she loves him. Rachel feigns concern for her future with Nick (and the franchise.) But it’s Corinne, whose unwavering confidence in what she and Nick have, ultimately goes home in a coat made from Muppet Fur and a West Elm rug. Nick assures her that she didn’t do anything wrong, it’s just that he, like the rest of us, was a little disappointed that Raquel wasn’t as charismatic as he’d hoped. Unfortunately, without that, he didn’t see a future reality show in their future.
Just in case you thought Nick’s darkest days were behind him, he and his remaining women head to Finland, which, literally, only has a few hours of sunlight a day. It’s a good test of their relationships, not to mention weeding out any contestants who suffer from seasonal affective disorder. Nick pops a Vitamin D and picks up Raven for the first overnight date.
They helicopter around Finland as the fantasy suite weighs heavily on Raven’s mind. For the first time that I can remember, a Bachelor contestant, in this case Raven, comes right out and says she expects there will be sex in the Fantasy Suite. This is troubling to Raven because she’s worried they being physical can end up in heartbreak.
And also her ex never gave her an orgasm.
Oh geez, you guys. I can’t with this whole storyline. There are so many reasons that women can’t have an orgasm. Maybe it’s because because she didn’t trust her ex. Maybe he didn’t know what he was doing. Maybe her lady parts just don’t work that way. But, man, knowing that Raven felt any kind of pressure to have sex in the fantasy suite and that she’s counting on Nick to give her the big “O” kind of leaves me at a loss for words.
Raven professes her love for Nick, but it’s not her last confession of the night. After the Fantasy Suite card arrives, she has two more bombshells for her potential fiance: 1) She’s only slept with one person and 2) She’s never had an orgasm. Those are some big
condom shoes to fill for our Bachelor. Nick wonders if, maybe, he shouldn’t sleep with any of the women.
And now I’m more convinced than ever that Caitlyn and Andi dumped Nick because he’s lousy in bed.