The Bachelor has gone off the rails this week, and I’m not sure there’s any way to reel it back.
Last week, Nick sent Taylor home, after her two-on-one with Corrinne went south. But after a cleansing ceremony with the staff shaman, Taylor knew she had to speak her piece. The consisted of calling Corinne a liar and a manipulative bitch, and never uttering the words “emotional intelligence.” Kudos to Taylor for learning from her previous mistakes, but it’s not enough to sway Nick’s heart, or penis. Ultimately Taylor remains rose-less, which is all for the best because she’s way overdue for an eyebrow waxing.
The Rose Ceremony
There are twelve women remaining, and it’s time for Nick to cut the fat. If you don’t have a Model Mayhem page, it’s curtains for you. That means Jami, Alexis and Josephine are all sent packing. For some incomprehensible reason (math, I guess?) someone named Whitney is still there, which also supports my Model Mayhem theory.
One on One Date
Remember last week when Kristina started to tell Nick about her childhood but then Nick was like, “nah, better not?” Well, I guess he felt bad about that because once the remaining ladies arrive in St. Thomas, Kristina received the first one-on-one, a seaplane straight to therapy for Kristina. Over untouched lobster and red wine, Kristina tells the story of her life in Russia, with an absentee mother who once left her with nothing to eat but lipstick. At six, Kristina entered a Russian orphanage until she was adopted in her pre-teens. Nick, to his credit, admits that he can’t possibly relate to the challenges that Kristina has so gracefully faced in her life. Sorry this paragraph isn’t funny, but neither is the storyline.
I’ll admit the idea of 24-year-old Corinne’s full time nanny was funny at first, but I cringed at the introduction of Lorna, a paid employee of whatever St. Thomas resort is hosting Nick’s harem, and the unwitting butt of the joke. Unlike Jorge who served cocktails with a side of sage advice, or Clare’s raccoon who dished out equal doses of good listening and epic side eye, there was nothing to suggest that Lorna was in on the joke. She may make incredible lobster dip, and those towels did look super comfy, but Jorge and the raccoon would have known that ironing Corinne’s polyester slip was below their pay grade.
The Volleyball Date
Nick knows that things are getting serious, so he tells all the women to put on their sluttiest bikinis because they’re going to reenact the opening scenes from Baywatch. (The tv series; not the movie with Zac Efron.) But the date (and Jasmine) starts to spiral like a zucchini noodle once they start chasing tequila shots with volleyball. Too much sun, booze, and (I’m guessing) estrogen has brought out the worst in everyone. Rachel wants to go home. Jasmine wants to tackle someone and Corinne wants to take a nap. Meanwhile, Vanessa and Danielle both pretty cry on the beach, because they weren’t expecting to have to compete for Nick’s attention.
Doesn’t anyone explain how this show works beforehand?
Even Nick knows this date has gone rogue, and commits to spending meaningful time with each of the women that evening. The first woman he pulls aside is Rachel who has a very tricky approach, telling Nick she’s considering leaving.
This strategy works 60% of the time every time.
While Nick reassures her, and everyone else, Jasmine has plenty of time to vacillate between extolling her virtues and expressing her desire to do bodily harm to Nick. Meanwhile, all the women nod pleasantly as one does when you know your girlfriend is about to get dumped.
When Nick finally pulls Jasmine aside, she’s on the warpath. She starts battering Nick with accusations about her lack of one-on-one time, while Nick secretly writes “help me” in the sand with his toes. When Jasmine tells Nick that their conversations are great, you can almost see a bubble filled with question marks appear over his head. And then she threatens to choke him.
Like murder. But, like, sexy murder.
When she finally lets him get a word in edgewise, Nick realizes that the only way he’s going to get out of this situation alive is if he breaks up with Jasmine in a very public setting. Like a national television show.
Two on One
It’s time for another two-on-one, but before you get too excited, Deelo (nee Danielle L) reassures us that she and Whitney have no conflict, defeating the reason why two-on-one dates even exist. On the one hand, you have Danielle, a frontrunner from the beginning. On the other, you have Whitney, who may very well have been replaced mid-season by another actor and we’d never know it.
Nick tells Whitney that she’s beautiful, sweet and a calming person for him to be around, which is a nice way of calling her human Ambien. Danielle, meanwhile, tells Nick that she’s ready to take him home to mom. I, however, am distracted by the giant bug bite on her leg. Zika is a problem in St. Thomas, and if Nick sends her home on this date and she can’t have a baby for the next ten years, I smell a lawsuit.
The date has given Nick the clarity we viewers have had for six weeks: Whitney is not the one for him. As he and Danielle board a helicopter for a local health clinic to check out that bug bite, Whitney casts some low key shade about Danielle’s readiness to a be a wife, which is something I would have appreciated this information earlier in the season. Rookie move, Whitney.
Nick still doesn’t have the clarity he’s looking for with Danielle, and her modest neckline isn’t making his decision any easier. While she’s looking for love and trust, Nick confesses that he wants a relationship that’s adventurous and raw. Coincidentally, that’s how the new sushi restaurant down the street describes itself.
Maybe Nick doesn’t want marriage. Maybe he just wants crunchy, spicy tuna.
Before Nick sends Danielle home, he reminds America (and especially Kaitlyn and Andi) that this is the second time someone has told him they’re falling in love with him. He’s very popular with women and stop saying he keeps getting dumped on TV. Also, he’s not crying, someone is just chopping onions in the background.
After sending Danielle home, Nick worries that this journey won’t end with him falling in love. The women look on in disbelief as Nick contemplates stopping the process, and none of the women stand up to hug him or talk him out of it. Because, like all of us, we know that Nick’s just a big ole dramawhore.
Corinne vows to turn things around with her platinum vagine, which sounds a lot like Wisconsin: large, cold and totally unsexy.