In case you missed it, Nick met Liz at Jade and Tanner’s wedding. And in case it wasn’t made abundantly clear: they had sex. Some other shit happened and then Nick sent her home, and now he has to face all the woman and confess that before he was the bachelor, he had sex.
Despite the fact that Nick confessed to America that he “made love” to Andi Dorfman, and boned Kaitlyn on the love seat at one of the sponsored Fairmont properties the women are shocked that Nick has had sex before. Alexis informs us that all the girls are going crazy, which might explain some of those rose ceremony dresses.
Not to mention what happens next.
After years of a high protein, low carb diet, Corinne shows up with a trench coat and a bottle of Reddi Whip and Nick behaves exactly how you’d imagine a single guy who hasn’t had sugar would react to a naked lady with whipped dessert. They proceed to eat whipped cream out of each other’s mouths like Alicia Silverstone feeds her toddler, before Nick comes to his senses and
bolts for the bathroom excuses himself to spend time with Jasmine.
And Corinne, bless her heart, is just plum tuckered out. Putting on a dress, taking off a dress, putting on a trench coat, carbo-loading on Reddi-Whip and crying in the bathroom is all just too much, and for the first time in Bachelor history, Corinne skips the rose ceremony.
The next morning the date card arrives, along with five middle aged dudes with questionable facial hair. It’s
Chris Harrison’s poker buddies the Backstreet Boys! The women, to their credit, feign excitement even though most of them were four (1996) when Quit Playing Games with my Heart was a hit. Look I know we’re supposed to believe these women (and Nick) are here for love, and not to break into the entertainment industry, but that’s all kinds of confusing when you consider auditioning for the Backstreet Boys’ backup dancers a date.
Planned dancing is Corinne’s personal hell, along with wearing clothing and running out of garlic salt, so she ditches the group date for a quick nap, before revealing to the other women that she has a full-time nanny named Raquel who is responsible for doing Corinne’s laundry because it makes her happy.
Somebody get this woman a Presidential Medal of Freedom.
The next morning, Nick and Vanessa go on a Zero-G plane, which makes you feel like you are in space. And also makes you vomit. Nick, no stranger to making women nauseated, comes prepared with barf bags and gum. #marriagematerial.
Because the Bachelor knows that what you’ve done is more important than what you do (looking at you, former pro-baseball player, Josh Murray) we learn that Nick was the star of his high school track team, which leads us to the final group date is a Nick-themed track and field day, hosted by Allyson Felix, Carl Lewis and Michelle Carter, who all deserve so much better than this. The women compete in various love-inspired events, culminating in a race to be the first to jump, fully clothed into a hot tub that hasn’t been washed since Jojo and Luke used it last season of the Bachelorette. Astrid is the “winner.”
And I’m using that term loosely.
Despite totally dodging her chances of catching hot tub folliculitis, Dominique is upset. It’s clear that Nick has a stronger connection with everyone including Carl Lewis. When they have a chance to finally talk, Nick confirms that his feelings are stronger for the others.
Including Carl Lewis.
Nick sends Dominque home and shit gets real. I mean really, real. So real that the ladies are still talking about it the next morning in the kitchen without any makeup. And it’s jarring. Chris Harrison arrives, letting the ladies know that Nick knows what he wants to do, and that’s see all the women in a bikini before he makes his final decision for tonight’s rose ceremony.
A pool party with 17 women and one man, an open bar and a bounce house? What could possibly go wrong?
The ladies spot Corinne straddling Nick in a bikini so teeny, ABC has to blur out the bottoms (Corinne’s in the bikini, not Nick.) which pisses off a lot of ladies. Not only does she have a full time Nanny who makes awesome cheese pasta and does laundry, but now Corinne has contaminated the Princess inflatable castle with her gross cooties.
Ugh, Corinne. You ruin everything.