Want to know how Nick’s season of the Bachelor is going?
Chris Harrison teases the upcoming episode including the most anticipated showdown of the season in a 45 second clip that never once even shows Nick. It’s official, Corinne has taken over the show. My prediction is next week they swap out the picture of Nick holding a rose and just run footage Corinne eating pigs in a blanket during the credits.
It’s the most dramatic episode of… The Bitchelor. (Autocorrect is really fighting me on this one, you guys.)
Taylor tries to explain that she doesn’t think Corinne is stupid-stupid, just emotionally stupid, as Rachel ominously warns that this could go all night. In a masterclass of gaslighting, Corinne changes the narrative to Taylor trying to defend why her bitchy stank-face doesn’t say hi to people when she enters a room.
At the rose ceremony, it’s so cold you can see the champagne fumes escaping as Corinne seethes over Taylor getting the final rose. But it’s a coatless Sarah and Astrid who are frozen out. Nick tells them both goodbye, with a half-hearted hug as unsupportive as Astrid’s group date bra, before whisking the remaining Bachelorettes off to New Orleans.
Once the women get over the excitement of a hotel floor that doesn’t stick to their feet, Chris Harrison arrives with the date card revealing Rachel as the recipient of this week’s one-on-one. Nick offers to buy Rachel a bunch of stuff at a flea market, but then he remembers that ABC only gives actual producers a corporate card, so they try on shitty masks and binge eat beignets like they haven’t had carbs since 2014.
Rachel later reveals that her father is a Federal judge who, I’m guessing, cannot be overly excited about the prospect of a 36-year-old aspiring actor who has been dumped twice on reality television as his future son-in-law.
But I’m just speaking as a parent.
And a human being.
The group date card arrives with everyone’s name, save for Corinne and Taylor, who everyone is hoping will both be swallowed by alligators on the two-on-one. The rest are visiting one of Louisiana’s most haunted houses. But this isn’t like a regular haunted house, it’s an over-produced one, complete with its own Ouija board and fucked up American Doll collection. Boo, who dreams of one day being Patricia Altschul’s butler, serves the women mint juleps and shares some alternative facts about the storied haunted house. ( You can read the actual story here.)
The lights flicker and the power goes out, preparing Nick’s future wife for what life is like when your husband is an unemployed actor. Jasmine, the group skeptic, decides to test her fate, uncovering a statue and sending a chandelier crashing to the floor. “Don’t touch that,” screams a producer. “This is a union set!”
Honestly, I’d rather watch Corinne eat room service for the next half an hour, but instead we watch these nitwits explore Disney’s Haunted Mansion in night vision, wondering what it means when their candle flickers. Vanessa feels like she is connecting with the house’s spirit, which would be great if this show was the Exorcist but it’s the Bachelor, Vanessa. Go get your man!
Finally, it’s time for the two-on-one, and Taylor and Corinne are wearing what I hope is the last thing in their suitcase, because if these are the outfits they picked for the most competitive date this season, neither of them is here to win it. Nick and his band of crazy bitches traipse the Bayou until they come upon a
producer voodoo princess who suggests that both women could benefit from a little therapy tarot reading and introduce them to the show therapist reader.
therapist reader suggests that their sessions readings will be more productive independently because of the “energy” and also because Corinne needs this opportunity to tell Nick about how bitchy stank-face Taylor called her stupid.
“How does that make you feel,” asks Nick, who has clearly spent some time his own time with the
show therapist tarot reader.
“Bullied,” replies Corinne who has clearly spent some time watching Lifetime Movies.
When Taylor’s session is up, the girls swap places so that Corinne has enough time to coerce the reader into handing over a Taylor-shaped voodoo doll and order a year’s supply of headpins from Amazon Prime. Meanwhile, Taylor drones on about emotional intelligence, as Nick, and America, pray for this date to end.
“You lied to Nick,” Taylor accuses, when she returns to Corinne at the lonely table of decisions.
“I know. Isn’t it great,” Corinne counters. (Paraphrasing.)
“You said you wouldn’t be my friend,” Corinne continues.
“You were the one who said you weren’t here to make friends!” I scream at my TV.
“I can’t believe you are a mental health counselor,” Corinne continues.
“I bet she’s not anymore!” I shout.
“I can’t believe people take advice from you.” Corinne concludes.
I high five my TV.
At this moment, Nick (who I forgot is even on this show) returns full of anxiety and, I hope, Deep Woods Off. Taylor and Corinne clearly have conflict, but Corinne will get busy in an inflatable bounce house, so she gets the rose.
Mostly because there is no room for emotional intelligence in the Bachelor franchise.
Whatever that is.