This is what you give me?
I give you blood, sweat and two hours every week and the best you can give me is a headpiece and a dress that looks like it was made from a recycled optometrist’s eye chart?
You all deserve whatever you catch in the ocean.
Last night on a very special episode of Bachelor in Paradise we we learned the truth about why Michele Kujawa left Paradise. When Kujawa and a crew member decided to let their love open the door – the adjoining door between their hotel rooms, to be specific – Chris Harrison decided to step in.
As viewers, we were treated to a re-enactment worthy of a segment on America’s Most Wanted. It turns out that when the host knocked on Kujawa’s door, her suitor, the aptly named Ryan Putz (Megan Goodhand, anyone?) lept the 25 feet from her balcony landing himself in the hospital.
And if you think that’s crazy, I’m just getting started.
Back on the island, Dylan is having second thoughts about his relaysh with Elyse and encourages her to go on other dates. Elyse is convinced it’s just because things are going “too perfectly” between the two of them, and under the sage advice of Michelle Money she decides to flirt with other fellas. Enter Grown Assed Chris Bukowski.
After a night of heavy drinking, Elyse ends up playing Clare and Juan Pablo (didn’t tag him) in the ocean with Bukow. The next morning, Dylan has peaced out on Team Elyse and she’s all, “we’ll totally move forward from this.”
And she’s half right, because Dylan does move on, handing his date card to Elyse’s bestie Sarah. Sarah, who isn’t into dating her best friend’s crushes or guys with visible pit stains is on the fence.
After a heart to heart with Elyse she goes on the date but you can tell she’s just biding her time before she can get back to the house to raid Ben’s stash of Doritos and ask Michelle Money to give her a side braid.
Speaking of Ben, Marcus accidentally goes through Ben’s suitcase and accidentally finds a letter written to Ben from a girl show says she’s in love with him because Ben accidentally didn’t hide it and a producer accidentally told Marcus to do it. Michelle Money gets super weepy because Ben took the place of some other guy who might have been here for love and not just a free vacation. Ben decides his time in paradise is over – probably because he’s finished all the Doritos on the island. So he and his shirtless, turtle backpack exit stage left.
Notably absent this week is my girl Ashlee Frazier who was too busy tweeting stuff like this:
To even bother to delight us with an embroidered pillow of her new monogram Ashlee Frazier Bunn.
At the rose ceremony, Elyse tries to find her happy ending with Dylan but when she offers him her rose (not a euphemism) she’s rebuffed. Then, while circus music plays in the background Elyse delivers a speech about how life can offer all kinds of things and that every woman deserves to have a man who will stick by her through thick and thin, for better or worse, through Valtrex and Klonopin. And with that she offers Chris Bukowski her rose and he takes it because Deerfield Abby said no.
Next week Ashlee is back making dolls from the hair she found in Graham Bunn’s hairbrush and Michelle Money and Sarah may or may not fight over the last remaining Dorito. Or Robert. Previews unclear.
Was there something you saw on Bachelor in Paradise that you’d like to wear? Leave it in the comments so we can all publicly shame you.
Check out this quiz on which Bachelor in Paradise contestant are you (it changes weekly depending on how the show goes)