Andi Dorfman’s first night gown: Basler
Memorial Day doesn’t just mark the unofficial beginning of summer, it also marks the new season of the Bachelorette, where 25 men of questionable moral character compete for the attention of all of America and a possible last minute spot on ABC’s new summer show: Bachelor in Paradise.
Our Bachelorette this season is Andi Dorfman, an Atlanta-based assistant DA who is smart and pretty, but also can shoot a gun and knows her way around the law enough to probably get herself off on a technicality.
What I’m trying to say is that Andi Dorfman is basically the plot to a new Shonda Rhimes scripted drama.
Over the next 10ish weeks, here’s what’s going to happen: someone is going to be a racist. Someone is going to be there for the wrong reasons. And some dude with over-plucked eyebrows will take to Twitter to tell me that I’m fat and old and he’s going to ruin my life so that I can never get into any nightclubs in Chicago (which would probably be true, not because of him but because I am, indeed, old. And fat.) Inevitably there will be at least one cringe-worthy typo in that tweet that I’ll beat into the ground and then he’ll claim he did it on purpose, because you know there is nothing more clever than not knowing the difference between “you’re” and “your.”
At some point, Andi will probably get mad at me. Around week five, or so, the Internet will turn totally Anti-Andi and people will be talking about the way she dresses, and talks and her body and how she picks the worst guys, or whatever, and then I’ll make some smartass comment that isn’t even 1/1000th as mean as what’s out there on social media but Andi will block me and cry to the people at ABC about how mean I am because it’s easier to be mad at me than the people who you thought were your friends during this, but still let you wear a dress to a Rose Ceremony that makes you look like Elsa from Frozen.
So here’s my offer – just as I do every season – Andi Dorfman, if you are reading this, please remember that this isn’t personal. I’m not making fun of you, Andi Dorfman the assistant DA, daughter to my dad crush Hy Dorfman the most kickass dad in the history of the Bachelor (besides Sean Lowes dad. And Ashlee Frazier’s dad. Nevermind.) and a wardrobe of leather shorts that I would like to borrow when this is all over. I’m making fun of a character on TV trying to find love with 25 men who just want a People Magazine cover and a chance to meet Karina from Dancing with the Stars.
Trust me, by the time Bachelor in Paradise rolls around, this will all be a distant memory, just like the time I said you couldn’t commit to a guy because you couldn’t even commit to one hair color – and look at how that turned out for you.
The Bachelorette returns tonight on ABC.