It’s the week of the fantasy suites, and to be honest I was a little nervous. After her performance in Vietnam I thought Clare was going to have to shoot fireworks off from her ladyparts in order to top their midnight swim. Juan Pabs picked Clare first, presumably to avoid any more temper tantrums and also, because, at this point Clare is basically a sure thing and that way her could lord it over the other two women at their dates.
Remember, the fantasy suites have no cameras, but plenty of guilt.
Juan Pablo and Clare have an afternoon cruise also known as the date formerly known as Sharleen’s and then Juan Pabs presents Clare with a key and a fully loaded question, “do you essept this fantasy suite?” It’s a trick you know, because on one hand, Juan Pabs has already basically called Clare a whore and said she’s a bad example for his daughter, but on the other hand, nobody wants to piss off Chris Harrison.
So Clare has her lawyers draft a tentative agreement outlining her stipulations that she will spend the night in the fantasy suite if Juan Pablo agrees that there are no takebacks. The two of them spend the night talking and cuddling.
Which is the same as swimming.
Which is the same as sex.
Andi is up next and there are so many red flags, you’d think it was the fourth of July. The date seems to be going well but then something goes terribly wrong. The next morning Andi can’t get out of the fantasy suite fast enough. She says the entire night, Juan Pablo only talked about himself, never asking her the hard questions like her views on politics or religion. Andi finally realizes that if you go on television looking for love with someone who is totally okay having 27 girlfriends at one time, he’s probably a wee bit self-centered.
Juan Pablo wraps up his sex trifecta with Nikki, who’s dressed for their horseback riding date like Prostitute Pocahontas. In a fringe bikini top and paisley palazzo pants, I swear this was Nikki’s plan all along to bait me. Seriously. Who does this?
Nikki wants to tell Juan Pabs she loves him but she can’t quite find the right moment in between performing a rousing rendition of YMCA and sharing anecdotal relationship advice from her ex-boyfriend Captain John Smith. They totally fantasy suite it though. Ay Nikki.
The ladies have made Juan Pablo video messages and I pray that Clare is going to slip in her dad’s DVD as the final nail in her crazy coffin, but instead she just purses her lips and makes her eyes really big and tries to glamour him into not shaming her for what happened in the fantasy suite. Nikki also has a video that reminds us that her hair is always best in the midwest. And then Andi totally Seacrests her video and is like, “I have something to say to you, and you’ll find out…after the break.”
Andi wants to give Juan Pabs a piece of her mind (which, frankly isn’t the worst idea I can think of considering how little brainpower Juan Pabs seems to have to begin with) in person. So Juan Pabs and Andi meet up so that Andi can mentally slut shame him, and the irony is lost on no one. Andi presents a laundry list of all of Juan Pabs worst qualities, he’s a namedropping, shallow famewhore who doesn’t even know the word “default.”
If I have one complaint it’s that we didn’t get to see Andi tell JP she’s Jewish, so that he could say, “what is Hanukkah mean.”
But instead, Juan Pabs tells Andi “it’s okay”, and oh shit you guys Andi has a hulk moment where she goes from feminist to freight train and all you can do is wait it out and hope it ends eventually.
Look, I’m all about standing up for yourself and I love that Andi has enough self-respect to demand that her fella actually know stuff about her, but she does that thing that girls do when they’re not 100% sure the guy wasn’t going to dump them anyway and they keep trying to get the guy to feel bad that it’s over. You can tell Andi wants Juan Pablo to ask her to stay, but Juan Pablo only knows how to ask for public humiliation and besitos. So Andi peaces out, because it’s time for her bachelorette fitting.
Chris Harrison tells the ladies that Andi left and Nikki seems a little sad because without Andi as a witness, there’s a pretty good chance that Clare will stab her in her sleep. Juan Pablo tells the ladies that if they have any doubts to come see him. And then they both get roses because Juan Pabs has two and math is hard.
Next week is the Women Tell All, and these girls really tried hard to redeem themselves.
Some of them fail miserably.
Which is why we’re all here.
See you next week.
CHeck out all the clothes from the Bachelor
Andi’s lace shorts: Shopbop
Andi’s ruffle dress: Tibi
Nikki’s yellow strapless dress: Sky
Clares ruffle halter dress: Forever 21
Andi’s blue long sleeve dress
Clare’s turquoise necklace
first featured here