Bachelor outfits from the fantasy suites

clares
I’ll find you.

It’s the week of the fantasy suites, and to be honest I was a little nervous. After her performance in Vietnam I thought Clare was going to have to shoot fireworks off from her ladyparts in order to top their midnight swim. Juan Pabs picked Clare first, presumably to avoid any more temper tantrums and also, because, at this point Clare is basically a sure thing and that way her could lord it over the other two women at their dates.

Remember, the fantasy suites have no cameras, but plenty of guilt.

Juan Pablo and Clare have an afternoon cruise also known as the date formerly known as Sharleen’s and then Juan Pabs presents Clare with a key and a fully loaded question, “do you essept this fantasy suite?” It’s a trick you know, because on one hand, Juan Pabs has already basically called Clare a whore and said she’s a bad example for his daughter, but on the other hand, nobody wants to piss off Chris Harrison.

So Clare has her lawyers draft a tentative agreement outlining her stipulations that she will spend the night in the fantasy suite if Juan Pablo agrees that there are no takebacks. The two of them spend the night talking and cuddling.

andi-maxi
Andi’s maxi dress: Urban Outfitters

Which is the same as swimming.

Which is the same as sex.

Andi is up next and there are so many red flags, you’d think it was the fourth of July. The date seems to be going well but then something goes terribly wrong. The next morning Andi can’t get out of the fantasy suite fast enough. She says the entire night, Juan Pablo only talked about himself, never asking her the hard questions like her views on politics or religion. Andi finally realizes that if you go on television looking for love with someone who is totally okay having 27 girlfriends at one time, he’s probably a wee bit self-centered.

Juan Pablo wraps up his sex trifecta with Nikki, who’s dressed for their horseback riding date like Prostitute Pocahontas. In a fringe bikini top and paisley palazzo pants, I swear this was Nikki’s plan all along to bait me. Seriously. Who does this?

nikki-fringe
Which way to the Village People revival?

Nikki wants to tell Juan Pabs she loves him but she can’t quite find the right moment in between performing a rousing rendition of YMCA and sharing anecdotal relationship advice from her ex-boyfriend Captain John Smith. They totally fantasy suite it though. Ay Nikki.

vidoThe ladies have made Juan Pablo video messages and I pray that Clare is going to slip in her dad’s DVD as the final nail in her crazy coffin, but instead she just purses her lips and makes her eyes really big and tries to glamour him into not shaming her for what happened in the fantasy suite. Nikki also has a video that reminds us that her hair is always best in the midwest. And then Andi totally Seacrests her video and is like, “I have something to say to you, and you’ll find out…after the break.”

andishortsAndi wants to give Juan Pabs a piece of her mind (which, frankly isn’t the worst idea I can think of considering how little brainpower Juan Pabs seems to have to begin with) in person.  So Juan Pabs  and Andi meet up so that Andi can mentally slut shame him, and the irony is lost on no one. Andi presents a laundry list of all of Juan Pabs worst qualities, he’s a namedropping, shallow famewhore who doesn’t even know the word “default.”

If I have one complaint it’s that we didn’t get to see Andi tell JP she’s Jewish, so that he could say, “what is Hanukkah mean.”

But instead, Juan Pabs tells Andi “it’s okay”, and oh shit you guys Andi has a hulk moment where she goes from feminist to freight train and all you can do is wait it out and hope it ends eventually.

Look, I’m all about standing up for yourself and I love that Andi has enough self-respect to demand that her fella actually know stuff about her, but she does that thing that girls do when they’re not 100% sure the guy wasn’t going to dump them anyway and they keep trying to get the guy to feel bad that it’s over. You can tell Andi wants Juan Pablo to ask her to stay, but Juan Pablo only knows how to ask for public humiliation and besitos. So Andi peaces out, because it’s time for her bachelorette fitting.

And scene.

rocesChris Harrison tells the ladies that Andi left and Nikki seems a little sad because without Andi as a witness, there’s a pretty good chance that Clare will stab her in her sleep. Juan Pablo tells the ladies that if they have any doubts to come see him.  And then they both get roses because Juan Pabs has two and math is hard.

Next week is the Women Tell All, and these girls really tried hard to redeem themselves.

Some of them fail miserably.

Which is why we’re all here.

See you next week.

CHeck out all the clothes from the Bachelor

shorts

Bachelor fashion

Andi’s lace shorts: Shopbop

andidress

Andi’s ruffle dress: Tibi

yellowdress

Nikki’s yellow strapless dress: Sky

whitemaxi

Clares ruffle halter dress: Forever 21

andi

Andi’s blue long sleeve dress

H&M

clarenecklace57371886-02

Clare’s turquoise necklace

Forever 21

first featured here

41 thoughts on “Bachelor outfits from the fantasy suites

  1. Anonymous

    Ok so I hate this show, yet I’m watching it. JP is so braindead. Ugh. And watching it is making me braindead. But seriously- who makes the dress (or romper?) Andi is wearing when she (stupidly) accepts the fantasy suite? It’s so cute!

  2. Globe Guide

    Prostitute Pocahontas? HAHA Dana you slay me!

  3. Briana

    Can you please tell me where Andi’s blue and white dress from the overnight date is from??

  4. carin

    “Prostitute Pocahontas”
    *spits out cocktail*

  5. Erin

    OMG, best recap yet! I think I love you!
    “Prostitute Pocahontas” was my favorite but loved the True Blood “reference tries to glamour him into not shaming her ” Yes, I agree Andi is off for her Bachelorette shopping ASAP!

  6. Bethany

    Haha, I think I like your posts so much because you articulate exactly what I was thinking but in a way funnier way. This season is just so.. ugh. But I’ll keep watching. SO excited for WTA!! AH!!!

  7. Anonymous

    I don’t think Juan Pablo has a heart. Well I know he has a working heart obviously but cold blood runs through it.
    Great post! ………”Prostitute Pocahontas” HA! HA! I was thinking the same thing and waiting for a nip slip any second. Glad we were spared that.

  8. Susanne

    I don’t think Juan Pablo has a heart. Well obviously he has a working heart but cold blood runs through it.
    Great posts!……..”Prostitute Pocahontas” HA! HA! I was thinking the same thing. Waiting for a nip slip any second. So glad we were spared that.

    1. Susanne

      sorry double post.

  9. Anonymous

    Tell me where to get Nikki’s dress from rose ceremony?!

  10. Casey

    I second the request for Nikki’s dress from the rose ceremony!

  11. Kari

    Brilliant.

  12. Brooke

    Those are not the same shorts as andi had on. Hers are shorter and kinda a skirt version. Any ideas

  13. Anonymous

    Any idea where prostitute Pocahontas’ pants are from? Obviously, I’m going to wear them with a real shirt.

    1. Cerise

      Haha!

  14. Megan

    I watched this episode and when we got to Nikki’s “prostitute pochantas” moment, all I could think was, c’mon girls, you can’t even make Dana work for it a little?! This article was hilarious and perfect. That is all.

  15. Kayla

    Can I buy Andi’s blue dress online?

  16. Mariela

    I think Andi knows she will be the next Bachelorette. What a train wreck of a season.

  17. Vavi

    “I pray that Clare is going to slip in her dad’s DVD as the final nail in her crazy coffin, but instead she just purses her lips and makes her eyes really big and tries to glamour him into not shaming her for what happened in the fantasy suite”

    Best line ever!!!

    Also would love Nikki’s rose ceremony dress info!

  18. Allison

    Where can I get Clare’s turquoise necklace in the picture above? Thanks !

  19. Sarah

    Dieing to know where Nikki’s red Rose Ceremony dress is from on this episode!!!!

  20. Jessica

    Dana, I love this quote: “Nikki seems a little sad because without Andi as a witness, there’s a pretty good chance that Clare will stab her in her sleep.” You are SO funny but that’s so true!

  21. Jen

    Any idea where Andi’s white shirt is from? The one she wore with the lace shorts?

  22. Cerise

    Nikki’s style is a train wreck.

  23. Fior Fernandez

    Love….Andi short. So,,,,cute and she wear very well.

  24. Anonymous

    I would really like to know where Claire’s purple and black rose ceremony dress is from!!

    1. Dana Weiss

      I think it’s Bebe!

  25. Anonymous

    I would love to know where Clare’s black bikini is from. Thank you!!

    1. Dana Weiss

      It was ROxy!

  26. Anonymous

    Can you please id Clares black bikini?

    1. Dana Weiss

      She told me it was Roxy!

      1. Anonymous

        THANK YOU! 🙂

  27. Anonymous

    Hi – Do you know the earrings Clare was wearing on the fantasy suite date when she had on the white maxi dress? Thanks!

  28. Anonymous

    This article is hilaaaaarious. Any idea where Nikki found her red rose ceremony dress?

  29. Kara

    Would love to know where Nikki turquoise necklace is from and her coral dress

  30. Kristen

    Brooke is right, Andi’s shorts are different from the Shopbop ones posted. Any idea where she got hers? They definitely have more of a “skirt” look to them.

    1. Dana Weiss

      I got the info from Andi. These are the same.

  31. Anonymous

    I Love Andi’s shirt that she wore with the lace shorts! Can you please tell me where I can find that top?!! Thanks so much! I love this blog, it’s hilarious

  32. Christine McCrudden

    GUUURL. this made me pee my pants (which isn’t super hard to do after two kids…BUT STILL). this was the funniest (and most spot on) recap ever. you are BRILLIANT! xoxox Christine

  33. Andy

    I agree, I’ve been looking for a white shirt just like Andi’s – could you help us find it please? Thanks!

  34. Stephanie

    Where did andi get her sandals on the st Lucia date (the ones she wore with the cute red dress?)


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