It’s the sixth week of the Bachelor and Chris Harrison teases that the dates are down under. Right away, I start with the sexual innuendo jokes, because it’s that easy. I’m sure some of you are thinking, “Come on Dana, you’re above that.” But really, I’m not.
Chris Harrison says Juan Pablo’s going down under, and the date is in New Zealand and I am just about to point out that “Down Under” refers to Australia, but I Google it first to be sure, and you know what? Down Under refers to Australia and New Zealand, which proves two things.
- If you don’t want to seem stupid, maybe Google stuff before you make assertions that you’re not 100% sure about; and
- You can learn something anywhere. Even the Bachelor
The dates start out and Andi gets the one-on-one. Juan Pablo takes her to place called “the squeeze.” I am slightly concerned because I really like Andi, and in Chicago “The Squeeze” refers to the trunk of a car abandoned at the O’Hare airport parking garage, which would certainly make it the most dramatic Bachelor elimination ever, but it turns out to be this super narrow canal of cold water that leads to a warm waterfall.
It’s basically so tight and narrow that I half expect them to run into James Franco sawing off his arm in 127 hours. But, nope, no amputation. Just Juan Pablo and Andi kissing in the water, because water is Juan Pablo’s one move.
Seriously, water is Juan Pablo’s “stretch and put my arm around her shoulder.”
Andi’s one piece swimsuit
Also, Andi wears a one piece swimsuit, which I thought was against the rules of the Bachelor. Like, I thought the rules were no logos on your clothing and no one-piece bathing suits. Apparently Juan Pablo likes Andi’s rebellious side because she gets the rose and then a geyser blows up in her face. No, that’s not a euphemism. And actual geyser blows up in Andi’s face.
Whatever, you guys are more pervert, too.
What? The one-on-one? Seriously? You guys….
The group date card is revealed and everyone’s name is called except Clare. And then Clare has this super disingenuous response where she goes, “what? I got the one-on-one date? What?” and it was like that faux humble thing that Taylor Swift does at every award show ever where she feigns surprise and all the girls are like, “go write a song about Juan Pablo, or something.”
The rest of the girls go on a group date in something called an Ogo which is basically this giant, wet ball that you roll around in for a while before it dumps you. So, in that way, it’s not that different from Juan Pablo.
Juan Pablo sets a good example for his daughter by rolling down the hill in these giant wet balls, and making out with some of the women while he does it. But it’s okay, because it’s not 4AM.
Juan Pablo’s rules, not mine.
Turns out it’s Cassandra’s 22nd birthday. So Juan Pablo has a surprise for her. NO ROSE FOR YOU CASSANDRA. Juan Pablo isn’t feeling it with the former NBA dancer, so he lets her go early. And while Juan Pablo may not have given Cassandra a birthday present, he definitely gave her a gift.
The final one-on-one is with Clare, with whom I have really high hopes. Like, irrationally high hopes. I am hoping that Clare is going to channel her inner feminist and explain that what Juan Pablo did last week was tantamount to slut shaming and that his rules about kissing are hypocritical, and exploiting his daughter to justify his own transgressions is offensive, but instead she just wears a tight sweater and tells him she has the sadz.
Juan Pablo basically tells her that he really felt uncomfortable with their late night swim, but he didn’t want to hurt her feelings so he said yes. (Yes, yes, YES!) Then they make it clear to America that all they did was “swim” in the ocean, which is convincing nobody. And now that things are settled and this may or may not be their first fight, Juan Pablo gives Clare a pair of harem pants (not kidding) and the rose and then they “swim” on the couch a little.
At the rose ceremony, the ladies who don’t have roses are nervous. Chelsie, Renee, Nikki and Kat are vying for that last rose. The ladies know it’s go-time and Nikki wants to make sure she’s not going home, so she puts her feelings in such a way that Juan Pablo will not misunderstand.
I have transcribed their entire conversation in the hopes that David Sedaris follows Possessionista and will later do a reading of it, like he did for Fifty Shades of Grey.
Nikki: I kinda like you a lot
Juan Pablo: Really.
Juan Pablo: How come?
Nikki: I just do
Juan Pablo: What is a lot means?
Nikki: More than a little
Juan Pablo: And what is a little?
Nikki: Not very much.
Juan Pablo: Okay
Nikki: Um, I feel comfortable with you. You know, I feel excited and just myself
Juan Pablo: I like that
Juan Pablo: A lot.
Nikki: How much is a lot?
Juan Pablo: More than a little.
Nikki: And how much is a little?
JP: A little just a bit.
I swear to you, I think Juan Pablo is getting his moves from the boys in Camilla’s preschool.
Kat tries to endear herself to Juan Pablo with a heartbreaking tale of her father’s drinking, but sadly, doesn’t get the rose. Probably because their conversation didn’t end with Kat passing him a note that read, “do you like me? Check one.”
Next week, the remaining ladies head to sunny Miami, and I’m pretty sure Sharleen’s going to prove what a badass she is by blowing this whole charade up.
Check out more fashion from the Bachelor
Sharleen’s asymetrical dressWeekend Max Mara
Kat’s black lace dressExact: Asos
Similar: Keepsake (pictured)
Clare’s turqouise triangleForever 21
Nikki’s sequin skirtSimilar: Express
Sharleen’s fringe swimsuitL*Space
Andi’s gray coat (I know!)H&M (no longer available)
Sharleen’s dangle earringsStella Dot
Cassandra’s pleated leather jacketBCBG
Andi’s plaid shirt JCrew (slightly different pictured)