During this week’s Bachelor, in an episode ripped from the pages of Sean Lowe’s biography, Juan Pablo has sex and then later decides he just doesn’t want to do that anymore.
Look, I’m not saying Juan Pablo and Clare had sex in the ocean…
But Juan Pablo and Clare had sex in the ocean.
The ladies of the Bachelor traveled to Vietnam to soak in the beauty and culture and the chance of contracting HPV in one of the world’s largest bodies of water.
The episode begins with Rene getting ready for her date with Juan Pablo, imagining their first kiss like most little girls plan for their weddings. Juan Pablo and Rene do something where a local seamstress designs a dress for her and then, honestly? No1Curr. It might have been the most boring, sterile date in Bachelor history. See, here’s the thing. I actually think Rene is here for the right reasons. I think Rene is looking for love (and maybe a break from her kid for a minute, because motherhood is tough despite what your asshole friends are posting on Facebook about baking cupcakes and blessings.) And I don’t think Rene is going to find love on the Bachelor. Because while Rene is looking for love (and a pedicure) Juan Pablo is looking for sex in the ocean.
Next is the group date. All the girls pair up for a paddle boat excursion. Friendless Clare ends up odd woman out, so she pairs up with Juan Pablo. And like the girl who gets picked last in gym, she gets back at everyone by making out with their boyfriend and scores the rose.
The last date goes to Nikki who’s dressed like she’s up for anything. And by anything I mean shooting a Free People catalog and then going skateboarding, because Nikki has a boho headband and messy side braid complemented by denim booty shorts and a pair of Chucks. It turns out that the date is to rapel into a cave and repel any chance of Nikki’s fashion being covered this week in Possessionista. Mission accomplished.
Now for the juicy part.
After the dates were over, Clare pulls a Courtney Robertson and stops by Juan Pabs’ suite for a late night swim and stuff. And by stuff, I mean that at least one person eats Octopus. And one person probably threw up in her mouth but swallowed it back down. And before you tell me that I’ve gone too far, just know that if ABC didn’t want me making these jokes they wouldn’t have included them in last week’s episode.
At the rose ceremony, Clare thinks she’s got it in the bag. She’s as cocky as Kat on a K-Pop mall tour. She makes a toast about finding love and being loved and making love and you can actually see Juan Pablo silently begging her not to say anything else.
Juan Pablo steals Clare away for what she thinks will be a quickie, but it turns out to be a lesson in morality. In the same way that some parents will throw their kids under the bus when they’re late for a doctor’s appointment, Juan Pablo blames Camilla for his decision to ultimately become a born-again Clare virgin. Clare says she understands, even though she clearly doesn’t understand. And I suspect there’s an 18 page letter in Juan Pablo’s future.
Front. And. Back.
In the end, Juan Pablo sends home Danni, Allie and Kelly, the three remaining women with whom he hasn’t yet disrespected Camilla.
Mull that one over.
Check out some of this week’s best Bachelor fashion
Want to see more clothes from the Bachelor?
Kelly’s arrow necklace
Kelly’s spike necklace
Sharleen’s turquoise necklace
Stella Dot (Thanks Lauren!)
Andi’s pleated, pink dress
first seen here
Andi’s pave disk necklace
Sharleen’s striped dress (sold out)
similar by same designer Angl
Andi’s pink dress with gold straps
Clare’s orange lace dress