The Bachelor Fashion episode 5 Vietnam

clarejuanpab

Haha. We totally had sex in the ocean.

During this week’s Bachelor, in an episode ripped from the pages of Sean Lowe’s biography, Juan Pablo has sex and then later decides he just doesn’t want to do that anymore.

Look, I’m not saying Juan Pablo and Clare had sex in the ocean…

But Juan Pablo and Clare had sex in the ocean.

The ladies of the Bachelor traveled to Vietnam to soak in the beauty and culture and the chance of contracting HPV in one of the world’s largest bodies of water.

We're both 32. We're both single parents. We both wish we could still ride in a tricycle

We’re both 32. We’re both single parents. We both wish we could still ride in a tricycle

The episode begins with Rene getting ready for her date with Juan Pablo, imagining their first kiss like most little girls plan for their weddings. Juan Pablo and Rene do something where a local seamstress designs a dress for her and then, honestly? No1Curr. It might have been the most boring, sterile date in Bachelor history.  See, here’s the thing. I actually think Rene is here for the right reasons. I think Rene is looking for love (and maybe a break from her kid for a minute, because motherhood is tough despite what your asshole friends are posting on Facebook about baking cupcakes and blessings.) And I don’t think Rene is going to find love on the Bachelor. Because while Rene is looking for love (and a pedicure) Juan Pablo is looking for sex in the ocean.

Next is the group date. All the girls pair up for a paddle boat excursion. Friendless Clare ends up odd woman out, so she pairs up with Juan Pablo. And like the girl who gets picked last in gym, she gets back at everyone by making out with their boyfriend and scores the rose.

What is this in your hair? Is this from Camilla's American Girl Doll?

What is this in your hair? Is this from Camilla’s American Girl Doll?

The last date goes to Nikki who’s dressed like she’s up for anything. And by anything I mean shooting a Free People catalog and then going skateboarding, because Nikki has a boho headband and messy side braid complemented by denim booty shorts and a pair of Chucks. It turns out that the date is to rapel into a cave and repel any chance of Nikki’s fashion being covered this week in Possessionista. Mission accomplished.

Now for the juicy part.

After the dates were over, Clare pulls a Courtney Robertson and stops by Juan Pabs’ suite for a late night swim and stuff. And by stuff, I mean that at least one person eats Octopus. And one person probably threw up in her mouth but swallowed it back down. And before you tell me that I’ve gone too far, just know that if ABC didn’t want me making these jokes they wouldn’t have included them in last week’s episode.

Cheers to totally getting your ass handed to you by a womanizing hypocrite

Cheers to totally getting your ass handed to you by a womanizing hypocrite

At the rose ceremony, Clare thinks she’s got it in the bag. She’s as cocky as Kat on a K-Pop mall tour. She makes a toast about finding love and being loved and making love and you can actually see Juan Pablo silently begging her not to say anything else.

Juan Pablo steals Clare away for what she thinks will be a quickie, but it turns out to be a lesson in morality. In the same way that some parents will throw their kids under the bus when they’re late for a doctor’s appointment, Juan Pablo blames Camilla for his decision to ultimately become a born-again Clare virgin. Clare says she understands, even though she clearly doesn’t understand. And I suspect there’s an 18 page letter in Juan Pablo’s future.

Front. And. Back.

In the end, Juan Pablo sends home Danni, Allie and Kelly, the three remaining women with whom he hasn’t yet disrespected Camilla.

Mull that one over.

Check out some of this week’s best Bachelor fashion

Want to see more clothes from the Bachelor?

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Kelly’s arrow necklace

Stella Dot

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Kelly’s spike necklace

Alexis Bittar

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Sharleen’s turquoise necklace

Stella Dot (Thanks Lauren!)

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Andi’s pleated, pink dress

Parker

first seen here

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Andi’s pave disk necklace

Baublebar

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Sharleen’s striped dress (sold out)

similar by same designer Angl

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Andi’s pink dress with gold straps

Naven

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Clare’s orange lace dress

Nightcap

 

Comments

  1. Love your Bachelor posts and read them every week, and I ESPECIALLY loved your thoughts on JP and Clare, because I thought the EXACT same things last night while watching.

    The turquoise necklace that Sharleen is wearing is also a Stella & Dot goodie and one of my personal faves. I’m sure there’s something similar in Etsy, but my money is that it’s S&D, especially since Kelly was wearing the On the Mark necklace this week as well.

    Thanks for keeping us all in the loop and stylish… Oh and for always making me laugh. :)

  2. Anonymous says:

    What about Claire’s blue dress?

  3. Love the Friends reference! Funny!! Not loving Juan Pablo at all…

  4. What a sad group when you have to focus on their accessories!!!

  5. Amen to all your thoughts here! I’ve also been reading the discussion about this on your FB page. Really just symptomatic of everything that’s already wrong with our society! And your comments about Nikki’s Free People shoot made me laugh out loud. At 7 AM.

  6. I loved Renee’a casual outfit on her one on one, any idea what they were?

  7. You’re hilarious!

  8. This is by far my favorite Bachelor recap you have written. You really hit the nail on the head with Juan Pablo and Clare.

  9. Clare’s pre-coital blue tank dress??

  10. First of all, I loved this post and agree with you 100% about the Juan Pablo and Clare (OMG my daughter is going to get onto me for having sex as a concenting adult) sex scandal. Why would a child EVEN be watching that show. If I was Clare I would be pissed! and she seems like she is the kind that will speak her mind. So front AND back is probably to be expected,along with a few other in person choice words to Juan.
    He really disappointed me last night. I am so tired of hearing him say Come ee lee ahh!

    Thanks for always making me laugh!

  11. OMG your ‘turquoise necklace’ link.. so funny

  12. Any idea on where the white shirt Nikki wore on her 1 on 1 date? Love it!

  13. What about Renee’s dress from the rose ceremony?

  14. Clare’s strapless blue dress?

  15. “No1Curr.” Om-gurrhhd!! Loving your Bachelor recaps more than RealitySteve’s. :)

  16. Also looking to find Renee’s color block dress from the rose ceremony! Can you help?

  17. Obsesed with Sharleen’s rose ceremony dress! Any idea where it’s from??

  18. Who makes the white open back shirt Nikki wore on her first date? I just love it!

  19. Any look-a-like dress ideas for Andi’s Naven Pink dress? Obsessed with it but, it’s sold out everywhere.

  20. I really want to buy alli’s rose ceremony dress when she got evicted…. where is it from can you send link please!!!!

  21. Hey!! Curious about those short blue shorts that both Clare (during group date) and Rene (one-on-one date) wore in Vietnam! Any ideas? Your site has been the best for this info! I’m surprised you didn’t comment on those since two of them so obviously wore the SAME thing in front of HIM, LOL! Those two, in competition much?!

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