Last night’s Bachelor preview: Countdown to Juan Pablo was a sneak peek at the upcoming season. Featuring plenty of gratuitious shots of Juan Pablo’s abs, the show was split into three parts. An inside look at the casting process, meeting Juan Pablo’s extended family and a heartwarming tribute to former Bachelor cast member Gia Allemand who took her own life earlier this year. The latter was incredibly sad and heartwarming. The other parts?
Not so much.
The show opens with Chris Harrison explaining how the rules of Bachelor work. Using “journey” for the first time this season Chris explains that Juan Pablo will fall in love with one woman and hopefully she’ll agree to be his wife. America collectively rolls their eyes and I scream at the TV, “bring on the crazy!”
Then we’re treated to a glimpse at the casting process, which isn’t really the casting process at all, so much as it’s their casting videos, and MTV has been doing this since Real World, like 3. Come ON ABC. Step. It. Up.
Unsurprisingly, the videos feature various bachelorettes in ambiguously sexual scenarios. Getting out of their shower. Playing a horn. An inversion yoga stand with the camera pointed at her crotch.
And one woman sticking her fist in her mouth.
Do you think I can make this shit up?
Then the women explain how they’re there for the right reasons. And for this Bachelorette, it’s because her eggs are drying up (presumably from too much exposure to UV rays)
You get the obligatory “tired of frogs, I’m ready for my prince,” which I suspect was probably needle pointed on the casting couch along with a glass of white zinfandel and some condoms. And Clare, whom I very much want to like explains that she doesn’t want to sit every night and watch Golden Girls. Clare has a lot of ground to make up because Golden Girls is the tits.
We see a bunch of clowning around. Chris Harrison arm wrestles some chick for a rose and there’s a girl who does this crazy thing with her eyes that I had to rewind three times and then everyone says they’re just looking for love, and respect, and someone to make them laugh, and I’m looking for some makeup remover to wipe off the 10 lbs of blush these girls are wearing.
Anybody got a baby wipe?
And then they announce that Juan Pablo is the next bachelor. Cue Pageant surprised look.
Chris Harrison announces it will be the most shocking casting ever and sends everyone home only to “surprise” them at their houses and let them know if they’ve been chosen. In reality, nobody is dressed like they’re surprised. They’re dressed like they’re about to meet Chris Harrison for the first time, in cute little sundresses and a full face of makeup, which, as an aside, is how you should dress to meet Chris Harrison for the first time.
Yeah, they don’t look surprised to me, either
Well, everyone except Lauren who hasn’t taken the time to put in her contact lenses, meaning she was either really surprised or really that calculated.
The next segment we get to meet Juan Pablo’s family, who we never met during Desiree’s season because he was only on for about 11 minutes, and I fast forward through this part because he was wearing a shirt and no1curr. At the end his sister announces she is pregnant, and I suspect this might not be the last woman this season to spring such news on our fertile Bachelor.
Then the Bachelor throws us for a loop: a tasteful and heart wrenching tribute to contestant Gia Allemand who asked to be remembered for her heart- as she should. It was kind and sad and I just want you guys to know that if you ever feel alone or sad you can always email me, because you are not alone and suicide is never the solution.
And then Jenna Burke from Ben’s season shows up looking like this and I turn into an asshole again. Thanks, Jenna.
The show concludes with a preview of the season which includes shirtless Juan Pablo, a bathroom meltdown wishing death upon our Bachelor and this:
How awesome is this girl? She is definitely not going to win the Bachelor. I am definitely going to write about this (a lot) and she’s probably going to block me on Twitter by episode 3. Which is kind of unfortunate because I think her boyfriend invented Snapchat and so I am eternally grateful that I have never sent compromising pictures via the Internet.
A few parting thoughts.
Watch Clare for some of this season’s best fashion moments:
Watch Lucy for a few of the more entertaining fashion moments:
And watch Kylie for this season’s most unfortunate fashion moment:
That’s all I got. What were your thoughts on the Bachelor countdown to Juan Pablo. And don’t forget to tune in tonight for the season premiere here and on Twitter.