— Damian Holbrook (@TVGMDamian) January 7, 2014
Last night was the premiere of season 97 of the Bachelor (or so it would seem.) And this year ABC trotted out 27 single ladies, not one of them named Beyonce, in the hopes of finding love, and furthering their illustrious careers as dog lovers and free spirits.
And boy, what a motley crew they were. From the recently dumped Lauren whose fiance called it off via telephone, to Amy the masseuse who gave the most awkward rubdown since Phoebe agreed to massage Monica on Friends.
There was no lack of secondhand embarassment. Lacy, dressed like she’d just come from Disney on Ice explained to Juan Pablo that she’d stopped by Cupid’s Pharmacy, and handed him a large bottle of pills. Oh the disappointment to find out the drugs were actually red hots, which are not only totally useless for self-medicating, but also the world’s worst candy.
Lauren explained that she’d been dumped. By her fiance. Over the phone. But she’s totally over it, which we could all tell from the way she wouldn’t stop crying during the entire episode.
If you’d asked me the worst part of last night’s Bachelor, I would have told you it was Kylie Lewis’s bubble gum pink dress.
But that was before I saw the rose ceremony. In what could possibly be the (cue Chris Harrison impression) most awkward moment in Bachelor history, Juan Pablo called Kat’s name, and Kylie walked up to accept the rose. Even Lucinda, a girl so laid back she didn’t even wear shoes (aside: that’s freaking gross, Lucy. You need to wear shoes in the Bachelor Mansion. At all times.) mouthed the word “ouch,” as Kylie realized her blunder.
I’ve often wondered what makes a person go on the Bachelor. Do they not have friends to set them up? After watching last night’s Bachelor, I can say definitively that most of these women have no friends. Because friends don’t let friends go on TV looking like they are the victim of a Bedazzler driveby.
This is my promise to each of you future Bachelorettes, and current Bachelorettes who will appear on the Women Tell All: I am your friend. I will help you. Please remember this: just because it sparkles doesn’t mean it’s pretty.
Here are some of the better looks from last night’s Bachelor fashion:
Andi Dorfman’s white lace dress
Nikki’s studded black gown (available in black, too)
Christines emerald dress
Kat’s long, red dress on the Bachelor
Lucy’s white and beige maxi dress (also worn by Jennifer Lopez)
Danni’s one shoulder dress
Michael Drummond (Project Runway) custom dress
Clare’s Magenta rose ceremony dress on the Bachelor
Kelly’s red maxi dress
Victoria’s yellow dress
Sharleen’s open back dress
Earrings: Alexis Bittar (also old; similar pictured)
Andi’s v-neck blue dress