This week on the Bachelor, my frontrunner Clare (DON’T SHOW HIM THE VIDEO) got the first one-on-one date with Juan Pablo. The date had snow and ice, and so I guess the theme was “last week in Chicago,” which doesn’t seem very romantic to me. But anyway, Clare gets the rose. You go Glenn Coco.
Kat goes on the second one-on-one with Juan Pablo which is actually a rave disguised as a 5k. You would think the worst part about this date is that they have to run, but the worst part is that they have to wear terry cloth Juicy Couture tracksuits that have been customized with glow sticks as trim. So, basically, they both look like athletic, anime characters. Worst first date ever.
Then comes the group date, which starts with a sexy dog photoshoot. Look, that’s how they described it. A sexy, dog photoshoot. You know, I have a dog. I love dogs. But when you start thinking dogs are sexy YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG. There are all these costumes, like a fire hydrant and a fancy lady and a couple of the girls are asked to go naked except for a sign and here’s what I want to say to all my single readers:
If you meet a guy and he takes you on a “date” in a storage unit and there’s a “photographer” and he asks you take off your clothes in front of a lot of people, that is not a date. That is a porno and you should leave. Immediately.
Elise, who apparently shops solely at the Liberace for JC Penney collection insists she’s a role model and refuses to take off her clothes. She ends up dressed like a fire hydrant because, I guess, in the world of role models being peed on by a dog is better than being naked. Which, I guess makes sense. But if you really want to be a role model, maybe don’t date a guy with 26 other girlfriends on national television.
Know what I mean?
Victoria is my new favorite bachelorette. Not of the season. Of all time. Because Victoria doesn’t just get drunk. She gets the kind of drunk where you insist you’re not drunk and you swear you’ve only had one glass (bottle) of wine. She gets the kind of drunk where you start making up words and insisting that everyone else is wrong. She gets the kind of drunk where you start wiping your own face hoping to wipe the drunk off. She gets the kind of drunk where you reassure strangers that you’re just this fun sober right before you start crying on the bathroom floor.
Girl, I’ve been there.
Victoria is excused early, but not before revealing the secret of life: “straddling people. And stuff.”
Don’t fret for Victoria. Even if she doesn’t have her job as a legal assistant, I suspect she’ll be a very successful future as a lifeguard, given her expertise in performing the Hymen Maneuver.
Speaking of people with career aspirations, local news reporter Amy came on the Bachelor to find love and beef up her reel. During her one-on-one time, the aspiring Katie Couric hosted an mock interview of Juan Pablo that showed just what an amateur she is. Seriously,
Amy, every professional reporter knows if you want to be taken seriously you do your fake interviews with a hairbrush.
I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that Lucy, 24, Free Spirit spent a good portion of the episode naked. The self-appointed hippie found herself wandering the streets naked and barefoot like Daryl Hannah in Splash. It’s an unwritten rule on the Bachelor that you can share boyfriends but not clothing. But this episode, Lucy lent clothing to several of the women vying for Juan Pablo’s attention, which may explain why Lucy looked like Wilma Flintstone at the Rose Ceremony.
It’s clear Lucy isn’t here for Juan Pablo.
And judging by her apathy towards wearing clothes, she’s not here to be featured on Possessionista for her Bachelor fashion.
Which means that for the first time in Bachelor history, someone did come here to make friends.
Most. Dramatic. Bachelor. Ever.
Looking for clothes from past episodes of the Bachelor?
Christy’s leather dress
Mason via Lucy Aragon
Clare’s strapless lace dress
Vintage Dolce & Gabbana (Lucy Aragon’s)
Sharleen’s drape front dress
Sharleen’s earrings: Jessica Matrasko
Andi’s pleated, pink dress
Christie’s ruffle, red dress
Lucy’s beaded mini dress
Kat’s geometric, color top
Clare’s shearling leather jacket
IRO via Lucy Aragon
Many of you have been asking about Clare’s bar necklace. She bought it on Etsy, but can’t remember which store. Check out some of these options